This first installment I will share with you all the joy and amusement of our move out here. Kansas is roughly 16 hours away by car. Add another 3 to that number because of road construction (fucking Kansas has road construction every seven miles). Also, add to that number the time we took for pit-stops, Leesh has a small bladder and must void it frequently, which is another 2 hours. The total for us was around 21 hours of driving time spread out over two days. And sweet Jesus, it took for-fucking-ever. But luckily we managed to find a couple ways to entertain ourselves. I will share some of them with you peeps.
Code names:
To start off this story, it would be relevant to know that we had walkie-talkies. It was a fairly efficient way to stay in communication with one another. Cell phones lose coverage in Wyoming, because let’s face it, there is nothing in Wyoming. So we were talking back and forth on them and every once in a while a random trucker’s voice would come through, which would confuse the both of us. So we decided to create code names so that we could address one another. My name, of course, was Papa Bear. While Leesh picked one that shocked me; Pinkie Pie. So, Pinkie Pie and Papa Bear were communicating back and forth across Wyoming and Kansas. It makes me wonder what the truck-drivers were thinking when they would hear, out of the blue, “Pinkie-Pie, this is Papa Bear, how is your bladder doing?”
Contact problems:
At one point in our driving marathon, I had an itchy eye and went to rub it. Like a dumbass I rubbed it a little too hard (insert that’s what she said joke), and my contact shifted and rendered me blind in one eye. I quickly sent out a radio announcement, “Pinkie-Pie, my contact went stupid on me, can we pull over at the next available spot.” Her response, “Sure thing Papa-Bear.” So we pull off at the next exit and park in a parking lot of the only building around. And, as chance would have it, it was an adult entertainment store. I quickly fixed my ocular impairment and looked around and discovered where we were. I quickly say, “So Leesh, how about we pop on in there really quick and pick some stuff up.” To which she replies, “ I don’t think so, I have you now.” This confuses me a little bit, I mean, did she just relate me to some sort of porn star? I quickly mumble some sort of inaudible response to which she just laughs and goes back to her car. I just sat there confused.
Kansas in opinionated:
Speaking of porn, I found out something very unusual about Kansas. While on the road in Kansas we passed a number of signs that speak volumes about the people of Kansas. A number of the farms that we passed had religious signs out along side the road. “Praise Jesus for he is the lord!” and “He died for your signs!” The people of Kansas are also pro-life and the amount of anti-abortion signs almost equals the amount of Praise Jesus signs. Some of those signs are funny, “Choose life, your mother did.” Religious nutters. These signs did lead to an interesting scenario where I saw the sign that said, “Porn hurts Jesus, Don’t choose porn.” Not even five-hundred feet behind that sign was a billboard which said, “Kansas’ biggest Porn Outlet.” Look at what the churches are doing. Trying to kill small business. Bastards.
Anyway, this blog is long enough now. Time to end it. To summarize. We both made it here safe. Leesh starts school on Monday and I start work on Saturday. Kansas is anti-porn, pro-life, and pro-Jesus! In the journey here we probably killed about 3000 bugs with our cars. =( The end.
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